How
to Determine
a Myth in History
Myths are pervasive in world history and it is up to the intrepid historian
to go about setting the record straight. But how do we few, we educated
few, determine what is myth and what is fact? For example, some people
believe that a man named John C. Calhoun is a figure in U.S. history and
the first vice president to resign from office. Others believe that there
is a prehistoric monster that lives in a Scottish lake and never shows
its face. One of these is clearly a myth, while the other is plausible
because monsters, very often, will hide under things (source: my nephew
Stephen). But how does the historian know for sure? There are several
easy steps to run through when confirming or denying a myth:
1. Will this myth make me, a historian, any money?
One very popular myth is tied to the idea that there was once a potato
"famine" in a mossy, wet little nation called Ireland. This
is a myth because everyone knows that the Irish left to avoid paying their
last month's rent and found hospitable arms in the New World, where rent
was not invented until 1917. But if I have written a book about the "famine"
no one would buy it if they know the whole thing is as imaginary as a
father's love for his gay son. So it is up to me to troll online message
boards and scribble notes in encyclopedias perpetuating this fraud, so
I can have a pay-day and be able to afford both alimony and the World's
Most Awesome Grill.
2. Does this myth justify or make mockery of my inane, unsupportable
political beliefs?
It is said that the Earth is getting warmer because of pollution and that
"clean" energy must supplant "harmful" energy production
methods to head-off "climate change" so the human race doesn't
become "extinct." But wait just a second -- I, a discredited
historian, am funded in part by the petroleum industry and need their
support so I can continue to sit in my wicked comfortable Aeron chair.
Do I a) get along, go along with the Bunson Hondeydews of the world who
want me to stop using my lawnmower or do I b) simply announce that global
warming is a myth? If you like a lush green lawn like I do, you guessed
right.
3. Will the perpetuation of this myth save me from doing things
I hate, like holding the door for Mindy Breckenridge, my nettlesome girlfriend?
Mindy believes that men ought to act in an old-fashioned manner and do
things like hold doors for women or be interested in what they did on
a given day. I believe that Mindy is a know-it-all who is plotting to
subvert my manhood. If she were not from a wealthy family, I would have
long-ago left Mindy for an unbalanced graduate student I've had my eye
on. However, since this is a situation I must tolerate as long as Mindy
continues to be wealthy, I, a historian, must find a way to deal with
it. So I insist the following is true: common courtesy is dead and women
want to be treated in a shabby way so that they can feel like they're
"one of the boys." Mindy protests, but I can win every argument
that has to do with historical precedent by reaching under my seat and
producing my degree in history from Lancelot Tech. Poor Mindy has no choice
but to can it. Myth: 1, Mindy: 0.
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De-BUNK-tyfied!
For centuries now, people have believed things that simply haven't
been true. Ever. It falls to us, the premier historians within the unaccredited,
for-profit higher education system, to set the record straight.
Myth #1: There is such a thing as "news." Generations
of human beings have believed there is a way to receive a broad sheet
of paper every morning or afternoon covered in so-called "news"
-- but the facts do not support this absurd belief. First of all, it would
require a vast delivery system that no civilization could envision or
support. Second of all, once something happens it becomes old. Hence the
silliness of the term "news." It would be more appropriate to
call it "olds." TV says everything we need to know. Anyone reporting
finding the paper covered in "news" on their front steps are
just seeing litter. De-BUNK-ed!
Myth #2: Beards were once fashionable. "Oh, Mr.
History, I see all these old photos of President Lincoln, Grant, Lee and
one of the Muppet musicians and they have beards; weren't they well-thought-of?"
No. The reason God invented shaving kits is so men and hideous women could
remove these unsightly growths. Having a chin-strap beard is one of the
reasons Lincoln had to die. D to the BUNK to the tuh to the fied.
Myth #3: Nougat is delicious. Hard to chew, hard to swallow,
has the appearance of dried effluent. Give me a break. De-BUNK-alicious
Myth #4: The American Indians are an aggrieved people.
Let's say you and your family go to Cape Cod for the summer. Let's say
a terrifying man covered in paint and carrying a tomahawk runs at you,
eager to "scalp" you so he can sell your hair for beads. Do
you a) give him all your possessions and race back to New Hampshire, b)
ask him to sign a treaty, c) pay him way more for Manhattan or d) force
him to subsist on remote reservations far away from your scalps. I think
the answer here is clear. De-BUNK-tastic!
Myth #5: Atticus Finch was the "good guy" in "The
Mockingbird I Killed." Atticus, with his holier-than-though
attitude and irritating white suits hated personal freedom and justice.
He never even for a moment stopped to consider Mayella Ewell's story about
Tom attacking her. Then he had the nerve to stand in between Tom and the
mob who came to help him. The jury made the right call. De-BUNK-stince-de-JUNK-stince!
Myth #6: There was such a thing as "polio."
'Fraid not, fakers. Just a bunch of people looking for an excuse to sit
down all the time. Jonas Salk's vaccine is mostly melted jelly beans that
give people the giggles, which is why kids loved it some much. De-BUNK-awesome!
Myth #7: It is possible for man to walk on the moon.
We saw the results of man's hubris when the Challenger exploded as they
attempted this. Think again, spacemen -- it's just not going to happen.
De-BUNK-ished.
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