Disaster Preparedness

This boat, damaged in a volcanic eruption, could have been saved. If You Could Save Yourself, You Could Save Us All By Stanley 'Mack' Friendly, A.S. You've seen it in the news: "DISASTER IMMINENT – EVERYONE RUN FOR THE HILLS!" Pipe down, Chicken Little. Let's not get carried away here. Disasters are a fact of life, as natural as birth, death and marital rape. Now, they wouldn't be called disasters if they weren't, well, disastrous, but would you believe me if I told you that most of the real meaty devastation of those disasters is easily avoidable? Would you tell me I was crazy if I told you that billions of lives could be saved each year by taking a few simple preparatory measures? Would you tug and rip my piano key tie1 if I said that you too could take these steps, and that it wouldn't even cost you a dime? "This guy's peddling bullshit!" Not a chance. I swear! Everything I'm telling you is the truth. Don't listen to the skeptics; they've been trying to bring me down in court for years, but for years they've failed.2 Let's get back to disasters: They're going to happen. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but probably tomorrow. Is a volcano going to erupt in your backyard? It depends on where you live and how big your backyard is. Will a killer asteroid strike the planet within your lifetime, wiping out human civilization and destroying everything you have ever known in one fell swoop? Almost certainly. I'm going to be honest with you: I can't prepare you for everything that will ever happen. There are some disasters that simply cannot be avoided, and no amount of preparation is going to save you. One of these days, sooner than seems possible even, robots are going to turn on their human masters, using an army of mind-controlled animal slaves to kill us all, and there just isn't a stockpile of bottled water and duct tape big enough to change that. But there are plenty of disasters whose impact can be minimized with little effort. When disaster preparedness experts meet at their annual conferences, the conversation often turns to the subject of which texts have most defined their field of expertise. It's always a short conversation, as the answer for years has been Marked for Death: Civilization In Peril, by me, Mack Friendly. Now in its 7th Edition, Marked for Death is to disaster preparedness what Dianetics is to world religious discussion. The following are abridged excerpts from Marked for Death, discussions of some of the most fearsome and most underrated threats facing our planet today. 1. Floods "Why should I worry about floods? I live in Arizona." – Steve from Phoenix, AZ That's a good question, Steve. It's too bad you won't be able to hear my answer when your HOUSE IS UNDERWATER! There's a common misconception floating around out there in the media that just because you live far away from a body of water, you needn't worry about floods, except for flash floods following locally heavy rain. Flash floods3 are a problem, but this is a book about disasters, not trifling inconveniences for soccer moms. Real, honest to goodness floods are a threat for people everywhere, no matter how "land-locked" they feel they are. Scientists are in nearly unanimous agreement that the threat of major, life-threatening floods extends to everyone in the world. Live in northern Montana? I have bad news, friend: you're in just as much danger as those water logged charlatans in New Orleans! Here are two things you need to do right away, possibly before you even finish reading this passage4: First, buy a boat. This one's a no brainer. You're going to need a way to get around when the levees break and the drive thru lane at Wendy's turns into a food service canal. Second, start filling up sandbags - as many as you can, as many as you can afford. The bags are cheap and the dirt is free. Dig wherever you can; nobody owns dirt, and nobody can tell you where or where not to dig. Another good idea would be to take a look around your neighborhood. Do any of your neighbors have homes built at the top of large hills? These will be the last to suffer the brute force of the flooding, and it is your duty as a survivalist to commandeer that which you and your family need to survive. Gather your family and whatever weapons you have and overrun these bastions of safety on the hill. But start filling those sandbags as soon as possible, for you'll need protection from both the floodwaters and the other readers of this book who will soon put you in their sights now that you're king of the castle. 2. Earthquakes Let there be no doubt: earthquakes are terrifying. More Americans are killed every year by earthquakes than by any other single cause. Tragically, if you are unfortunate enough to be caught in the middle of an earthquake, you are almost certainly doomed. Luckily, earthquakes almost never happen. Now, if you end up getting stuck in an earthquake and feel the need to coordinate some delusion of possible survival, you might as well do the one thing that will just barely help your chances of making it through: Seek shelter, no matter where that may be. Large, open spaces are the most dangerous places to be during an earthquake. If there is any way you can dash into a big, stable concrete structure, at least you can tell yourself that you tried while the earth swallows you into its infinite depths. 3. Civil Uprising The advice in this chapter caters almost exclusively to despots in developing countries, so the rest of you can feel free to jump to the next chapter. Here's the scenario: You're sleeping comfortably atop a mountain of pilfered gold and kidnapped concubines in your palatial manor in the capital of Africa when you're suddenly shocked back to consciousness by some ungodly racket coming through the window. Bad news, Mr. President-for-Life: that degenerate horde of lowlifes from the jungle is approaching the palace, armed with torches and spears. Some bad seeds have been filling their heads with visions of "democracy," fanning the flames of discontent over the ever growing gap between the rich and poor, and now they've come for your head. Dealing with violent, disgruntled citizens is a lot like dealing with marital problems: The best way to fix the problem is to pretend that there is no problem. Ignore them, and they will simply disappear. Like women, mobs of troublesome nogoodniks thrive on attention. Deprive them of that attention and, just like women, they'll lose interest and remember their place at your side. If the noise is keeping you up, close the window and see if your generals can maybe keep the volume down as they're mowing down the rebels with machine gun fire and tossing their bodies into mass graves. 4. Zombies "Come on, Mack. You can't be serious. Are you honestly trying to tell us that zombies are real?" That is exactly what I'm trying to tell you, if you'd just stop interrupting me. Zombies are very real, and they're very dangerous. The government doesn't want you to know that because they're worried you'll stop buying real estate near graveyards.5 That's how it works: graveyards come alive at night, the dead feast upon the living and when the mist clears the following morning, the police and the media pass off the carnage as a byproduct of gang violence or the Drug War6 or other such nonsense. Zombies want your brains, and if you don't protect yourself, they're going to get them. Zombies may be slow, clumsy and stupid, but they're relentless. It is impossible to discourage a zombie, which is why they do so well in the bar scene. You can't stop them, but it is possible to contain the threat. Obviously, you must lock your doors. Blockade your windows with steel plates. Buy a shotgun or two. Befriend a slow-footed fat kid in your apartment building to occupy the monster hordes while you and your attractive family escape. If you're caught without shelter or a gullible young porker, you'll have to trick the zombies. Pretend to be a zombie, because for some reason, zombies aren't interested in eating the brains of other zombies and can't tell the difference between a zombie and an ambling, moaning human being. Scientists and screenwriters have no explanation for this. 5. Underrated Risks So far, I've covered most of the major classes of disasters. But any work about disaster preparedness would be amiss without mentioning some of the frequently overlooked dangers facing the public. Porch Collapse: Think it's funny? I bet it's not so funny to literally numbers of Americans who are killed each year when their porches crumble beneath them. The Race War: Even the lapdog liberal media recognize that it's only a matter of time before the coloreds turn on us. What's worse is that there's nothing we can do, because they are immune to reason. What can you do? Arm yourself, arm your family, keep a watchful eye on your "gardener" and don't watch Ice Cube movies in the theater if you can stand to wait until the DVD release. To learn more, pick up a copy of my book Ingrates: How to Protect Christendom When the Race War Comes. The Spanish Armada: Your history teacher told you that the Armada was no more, didn't she? What a cunt. Volcanoes: They can pop up anywhere at any time, even in the ocean. Any home that is not a thick cube of heat resistant concrete might as well be an express train to the cemetery. *** The lesson is this: You will die. But you have a choice. You can choose to die with your pants down, wondering why this is happening and why you didn't feel it necessary to cough up the measly $14.95 plus tax to buy what experts agree is the most important disaster preparedness book in the history of the world. OR, you can die smart, assured that you did everything you could to keep the wolves at bay, laughing from your fortress of safety as your mouth-breathing neighbors are devoured on your front porch, clawing at the door and begging to be let in. Stanley 'Mack' Friendly is the author of several disaster preparedness books, including "Doomed: Why Hurricane Katrina Was Necessary." Friendly is a graduate of Torpor Online Community College and currently works as a safety inspector for Lego, Inc. 1 Please don't rip my piano key tie. It was a gift from my Aunt Gladys. Auntie Gee is no longer with us. 2 Procedure established by legal counsel for Vince College requires that the Review's editors advise readers that several legal actions against Mr. Friendly are still pending in federal court and that those matters previously resolved were largely dismissed based on "trivial technicalities." From the head of our legal department: "Mr. Friendly is likely a criminal and certainly a fraud. Please don't publish his work." – Ed. 3 It is also acceptable to call them 'faggot floods,' provided there are no faggots around. 4 Provided, of course, that you have already paid for the book. If not, these are the second and third things you should do after you bring this and your other purchases to the register. 5 Oh my God – don't buy real estate near graveyards. Are you insane? Do you even pretend to love your children? Is there something about being devoured by the undead that is particularly appealing to you? I almost don’t want you to even buy this book. Almost. 6 Fact: The Drug War is a myth.