Frequently Asked Questions

Prof. Nigma in his "learnotard" FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS Q: Can you tell me about Vince College? A: No, but if you're going to be a pain in the ass about it, you can always look here. Q: What is the non-Latin motto of Vince College? A: "Get the Future All Over You" Q: Who are some famous Vince College graduates? A: While Vince College is proud of all its graduates - not just those who are happy and well-adjusted - we would highlight the accomplishments of those students who have "made it" in the world and may have chosen to go to Vince College. We sent more than 2,000 letters offering up to $500 to celebrities who would be willing to say they would have gone to Vince College. The impressive list of respondents who would have been proud Vince College grads includes but isn't limited to: Kelis (singer of "The Milkshake Song") Anthony Perkins Jr. (Son of the actor from "Psycho") Daniel Ponce (a Hogan Family brother who was not Jason Bateman) Jeremy Licht (the other Hogan brother also not Jason Bateman) Deborah Norville (aborted "Today" show host who didn't get along with Bryant Gumbel) Franklin W. Dixon (fictional multi-party author of "The Hardy Boys" mysteries) Robert DeNino (actor) Corin Nemec ("Parker" from "Parker Lewis Can't Lose") Pauly Fuemana (singer for the band "OMC"who sang the 1996 hit "How Bizarre") The estate of the late "Ravishing" Rick Rood (WWF Superstar) Criss Angel (magic person on A&E whose hand is frequently outstretched) Dan Cortese (MTV personality) ...and these are just a few of the people who said they would be more than happy to have attended Vince College. Find out for yourself! Q: What is the tuition at Vince College? A: First of all, eggheads at the U.S. Department of Education tell us that we are obligated to inform prospective students that we are not an accredited university and that claiming to be a legitimate institution of higher learning would constitute "actionable fraud." That said, tuition at Vince College is very reasonable! At a mere $50,000, studying at Vince College costs somewhat less than a handful of other universities. We don't see any reason to go to those other schools. What does that extra money buy you anyway? Name recognition? Faculty? Desks? It's all smoke and mirrors if you ask us. Financial aid is available for students who qualify. Vince College is famous for its work study programs. Students can learn on the job while paying for school through fabulous student employment opportunities in a number of industries, including the illegal drug trade, human trafficking and sex slavery. Call our bursar for more information! Q: What is the purpose of the Vince College Review? A: The purpose of the Vince College Review is three fold. First: to examine a broad array of timeless historical issues, both modern and ancient; for example, is there such a thing as Vulcans or are they confined to the world of science fiction? Are cell phones the modern day communicators we saw Captain Kirk and his landing parties using? What does the other thing do - the one with "tri" in the name - the men in blue shirts were always fussing with on new planets? Second: to raise provocative scholarly questions; would Britain have been better off if they had elected Hitler to be their Prime Minister instead of Churchill, thereby avoiding what some historians believe was a major world war? Was it just a coincidence that "Caesar" means "emperor" or "king" and that Julius Caesar became emperor of ancient Rome? Did depression come about in the U.S. as a "disease" because Jonas Salk invented his Polio vaccine and suddenly paralysis-free people could not feel as lucky they could walk? Third: to delve into history to illuminate it and answer questions for readers, whether they be tenured academics or other kinds of people; the word "action" comes from the famous "Battle of Acton," except with an "i"; "Che Guava" would be an excellent name for a fruit punch ice cream flavor from Ben & Jerry's; General Omar Bradley was an actual person, not a work of fiction; if every country had the same flag, there would be universal peace in the world; until the day he died, Christopher Columbus believed Australia began as a British penal colony. Q: Can you explain Vince College's commitment to the study of history? A: History is crucial for making educated, informed decisions in the 21st century. Many famous Americans are from history - George Washington, Wolfman Jack, and Marmaduke, to name a few - and history continues to shape our nation to this day. Vince College prepares its graduates for a world in which historicalism and historiocity both play increasingly large roles but inculcating in them a sense that history is something we can learn about not just from books, but from movies. And not always boring ones, either. Q: How can I get the Vince College Review to publish my articles? A: The Vince College Review has extraordinarily exacting standards for contributors. It has been recognized by no less an authority than Over The Shoulder: The Magazine For Historical Perspectives on Hoboes and the Study of Bindlestiffery as "one of the top journals in the field of non-peer reviewed, non-accredited, fabricated academic studies." To begin with, any submission to the Review MUST be written in a recognizable human language. It must deal with some aspect of history that furthers the field of knowledge in that subject, or that at least contains descriptions of naked ladies. Spelling counts, as do margins. We will not consider any submissions that do not exist. Please note when submitting articles for consideration that the Review has an extremely low rate of acceptance: we reject fully 7 percent of the articles we receive. Q: What would happen if bees were to fight a war against hornets? A: In the unlikely event that hornets are ever proven to exist, they will be easily overcome by bees' superior organization and ability to drive.