Electric Recorder Music
The recorder, the instrument of choice for cash-strapped school boards and chubby grade schoolers, is ironically adopted by hipsters who plug the pov-assed flute things into electric amplifiers, forming bands focused solely on the newly embraced instrument and douchebag haircuts. Eventually, word of E.R.M. leaks out of Brooklyn and, faced with sudden popularity, the hipsters abandon it for something even more stupid.
Music Videos
Years ago, popular musicians released brief video commercials along with radio singles as a means to promote the songs. Eventually, the popularity of these commercials overtook the popularity of the songs themselves. At one point, two cable networks, called "Teenager Sex Channel" and "Michael Bolton Network" (or something to that effect), dedicated their programming exclusively to the broadcast of these videos. For reasons that have been lost to the ages, those networks slowly faded into obscurity. Some historians theorize that the networks still exist today, but in different and unrecognizable forms.
Music for Pets
In its earliest forms, music was designed expressly for the enjoyment of pets. Enjoyment of music gradually spread to humans and, over time, pets dropped out of the musical equation altogether after market research concluded that music directed toward them produced little in the way of record sales.
The Flutodile
Medieval flutists, perhaps hoping to capitalize on the well-known acoustic properties of crocodiles, for years experimented with fastening their instruments to the animals' backs. At some point, the human toll was deemed too great to continue the practice and it was abandoned. Recent studies reveal that it may have persisted for as many as 100 years, despite the inherent danger. Why was it tolerated for so long? The only feasible explanation is that given that the "human cost" consisted solely of dead flutists, nobody seemed to care about the results. Recently unearthed texts suggest that audiences were more interested in seeing the flutists getting devoured than the musical performances anyway.
"Live" Music
There was a time when music was performed by people in public settings, solely for the purposes of entertaining crowds and annoying people who were trying to have a conversation in a bar. The practice has since fallen out of favor, and music is now performed primarily by tiny men that live inside radio boxes.
Whistling
Similar in sound to a bird's chirp, the "whistle" is a tone created with the human mouth through a combination of pursed lips and rolled tongues. In the 1940s and 50s, the whistle became a popular way to carry tunes on city streets, but was soon abandoned by everyone but crazy homeless people and a few beatniks after a congressional resolution declared whistling the "exclusive province of the Communists."
Silent Music
All the rage in the 50s and 60s, Silent Music fell out of favor in subsequent years, due in part to the success of disco and to complaints that Silent Music was "retarded" because "you can't even hear it." Some experts believe that an underground Silent Music scene persists, but the theory is hard to prove as Silent Music is completely inaudible and, thus, impossible to detect.
Race Music
For a few decades in the early part of the 20th Century, heathen radio stations played the godless music of blacks over the airwaves, either ignorant or indifferent to the morality impairing noise streaming out of speakers across the country. Parents watched in terror as an epidemic of hip wiggling and race mixing swept the nation's youth.
Jam Bands
Regrettably, our inclusion on this list of jam bands - those inspired by the Grateful Dead, Phish and other garbage - is premature as they continue to exist even today. Please contact your representatives in Congress and urge them to support the PATCHOULI (Patriotic Americans Track and Capture Hippies and Other Unsavory Lowlife Imbeciles) Act.
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