Stalin's Speech to grads

Stalin's Speech to the Graduates Thank you, thank you, thank you so much. This is really - I wasn't expecting this at all. You folks have made an old Bolshevik feel very welcome at your beautiful school. Really, stop applauding - this is embarrassing. I'll send you all to Siberia if you don't settle down! A little joke. Although, moms and dads, once you see the college tuition bills, you may wish I had sent your children to the gulag! And let's hear it for Principal Spalding! Didn't he do a great job with his remarks? And he even gave me permission to come out here without a hall pass! I'm kidding. I have one. Ladies and gentleman of the class of 1951: this is it. Savor this moment, because right now you're on the threshold between two worlds. It may not seem like it at this moment, but you're about to embark on the incredible adventure we call life. Let me tell you a little story. There was a boy growing up in a place called Georgia. He was not a particularly good student. I dare say he was a little bit like some of you! He was a lot more interested in chasing girls, hanging out with his friends, going to the malt shop, and terrorizing ethnic minorities than he was in learning. And not a lot of teachers placed much faith in him. There was one teacher, though, who stood out. His name was Father Gregory, and he was a priest. Father Gregory saw something in this boy that no one else did. And so, very gently but very persistently over the course of high school, Father Gregory worked with this young boy. He stayed with him after school, working on his homework. This boy hated - and I really mean hated - math and geography, so those were the subjects they spent the most time on. Father Gregory decided the boy was not only going to understand math and geography; he was going to be the best math and geography student in school. It was hard at first, but after a while, the boy started to see something in himself. A yearning to be more than a cobbler's son from a little town in the hinterlands. And a recognition that learning could be his pathway to that "something more." So, when graduation day rolled around, guess who was first in his class? And no one was prouder of the boy than Father Gregory. So what happened to the boy? Did he ever realize his dreams of getting out of Georgia and seeing the world? Boy, did he ever! Taking what he had learned about persistence and hard work from Father Gregory, the boy - now a young man - dedicated his life to helping people, and before long, found himself the General Secretary of the Communist Party of the Union of Soviet Socialist Republics. And all those kids who had laughed at him in school for staying after class to do geography lessons had stopped laughing, because they were dead. They had been shot dead by firing squads. Also, their families were shot dead. Except for the ones who starved to death. As you can probably guess - I hope so, anyway! Or maybe you need more schooling! - that little boy was me. And no matter what I've accomplished in my life, I can honestly say that I've never felt prouder of anything than the day I stepped forward to receive my high school diploma. I owe everything to Father Gregory, even though I later had him killed. I had to; he was a class parasite. I think he understood. You aren't growing up in Georgia, and there aren't any priests teaching at this school. But each and every one of you has a Father Gregory in your life who's helped you get to this stage. Maybe it was a history teacher who stayed after class to help you with a difficult lesson. Maybe it was a coach who taught you the real point of sports isn't winning, it's playing fairly. Maybe it was even a parent, who took time out in the evening to go over your math homework with you. The point is, you made it here to your graduation. And you didn't do it alone. And so, years from now, when you're looking back on all this - whether you're a teacher yourself, or a mother, or the leader of the world Communist empire that will inevitably replace the declining, dying capitalist order - don't forget those Father Gregorys. Even if the unappealable verdict of dialectical materialism compels you to have them strangled in front of their terrified parishioners, they helped make you what you are. So - moms, dads, grads: Give yourseles a big round of applause! This is your day!