Destro
His head? Stainless steel. His voice? Kind of like James Earl Jones. His attire? A black sweater-like garment, but with an enormous wide collar, leaving this well-built monster bare chested, even in the winter months. In the photo, the reader can clearly see that this Master of Mayhem and friend of snakes who was active during the Cold War is also wearing a medallion around his neck. While never identified in the televised docu-drama in which he starred, the Vince College Review can reveal for the first time that it is a medal of Saint Claws, patron saint of monsters. Chilling. Following the resolution of the Cold War in 1991, when Soviet satellite states had mostly fallen and Mikhail Baryshnikov closed the USSR store for good, Destro quietly retired to a condominium in Jupiter, Florida where Mr. Burt Reynolds was a neighbor.
Braveheart
With his face half blue and half flesh-colored, this physical oddity and Scottish monsterman terrified his opponents: a very mean king bent on killing monsters and unwilling to accept his son's homosexuality. Braveheart, who spoke a form of English, led his fellow monster troops into battle again and again in the early 14th century all in the name of monster rights and self-government, which the humanoid British were unwilling to accept. Rather, the British king insisted that all of the United Kingdom be governed by non-monsters, who wore red, while Braveheart's terrifying boogiemen insisted on wearing more traditional monster garb; a lot of plaid and crypto-tweeds. In the end, the fellow monsters betray their leader, and Braveheart is captured and killed by British authorities, his monster innards being removed to the delight of the crowd, who had never seen the inside of such a beast before.
Lou Reed
This grizzly songster might be able to unhinge his jaw and cleave off a human head like a giant child devouring a lollypop in one bite. He lives off blood. And flesh. Probably. I mean, look at this fucking guy.
Venus Fly Traps
These terrifying monsters are mercifully firmly rooted in the Earth, though it would be possible to pot one and put it in someone's bedroom so it could eat them. A malicious space-alien, the VFT has existed at least as long as Public Television. Cruel and calculating, it snares anything in its vice-like jaws, its only pleasure in life coming from the screams of the soon-departed it digests whole and alive in it's mouth, heretofore known as the "Cave of Sorrow and Despair." Only inoffensive actor and host Levar Burton is able to communicate with this bio-horror. For everyone else, beware this extra-terrestrial human-eating zombie: it might be on the order of eight feet tall judging from this photo and, according to one primary source, once ate the singing proprietor of a flower shop in 1950s New York. They smell fear.
Jaws the Shark
Quint was a peaceful man making his living off of the sea. His only vices were song, women and salty language. He liked warm sweaters, clear liquor he made himself and boiling deceased aquatic life down to their bones, which he used to decorate his modest and slippery home. Then one day two actors - a very tan Roy Schider and Richard Dreyfus, a snot-nosed brat, made Quint take his boat out into open waters because a monster with enormous teeth and fins was eating bathers against their will, ruining the summer months. Perhaps unaware of the parable "Moby Dick," Quint fell into a familiar role of determined sea captain, unwilling to call off their search for the water-bound creature with a thirst for the blood of screaming humans. Not surprisingly, [spoiler alert] the one-of-a-kind beast very nearly swallows Quint whole, while the pampered actors swim away. Fortunately for successive generations of water-lovers, the actors do finally manage to kill the creature, finally ridding the planet of this horrible monster once and for all.
© The Vince College Review
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