Assassinations Throughout History

Assassinations Throughout History 1. John F. Kennedy Kennedy's death in 1963 was the Cadillac of presidential assassinations – nobody's lining up to make a pop trash movies about William McKinley. Lee Harvey Oswald's unique blend of skilled marksmanship and boyish charm led him on a rocket ship ride to fame. What Went Right You have to hand it to them – those crafty spooks at the CIA still have folks guessing. What Went Wrong It's hard to find flaws in perfection. Still, perhaps Oswald should have waited for the age of high-definition video. I can't even see what's happening in that lousy home movie. Additionally, Oswald loses points for gossiping to BFF Jack Ruby. 2. Francis Ferdinand On June 28, 1914, Austrian Archduke Francis Ferdinand was shot to death by young go-getter Gavrilo Princip. Many historians feel the assassination led to the outbreak of World War I as well as countless barely deserved pie pieces in Trivial Pursuit. It is believed that Princip, embarrassed by his meager facial hair, was moved to violence due to jealousy over Ferdinand's majestic mustache. What Went Right Target neutralized. Men named Francis forever considered sissies following the murder. What Went Wrong Princip and his co-conspirators nearly failed in their task. Ferdinand's motorcade passed the first two would-be assassins without incident, those assassins preoccupied with their order at the Sarajevo Orange Julius, which was taking much longer than it should have. The third assassin, Nedeljko Cabrinovic, threw a bomb which bounced off of Ferdinand's car due to Cabrinovic's poor throwing arm, a weakness which had become evident during the group's softball games the summer before. Cabrinovic was subsequently captured by police before he could kill himself, his plan to poke himself to death with a sewing needle proving too time consuming. 3. Che Guevara On October 8, 1967, T-shirt and poster model Che Guevara was killed in Bolivia. While the academic establishment, hiding behind credible official documents, argue that Guevara was actually captured and executed by the Bolivian Army, some historians believe that he was assassinated. What Went Right Secret military execution insiders believe that the gunshots that killed Guevara were designed to look like battlefield wounds to better match the officially released story of his death. Guevara's skillful executioner launched a billion dollar dorm-decorating empire. What Went Wrong You just read all about the 'secret' execution - apparently, somebody can't keep secrets. 4. Ronald Reagan In 1981, film buff John Hinckley, Jr. tried but failed to assassinate President Ronald Reagan. Hoping to grab the attention of actress Jodie Foster, Hinckley was the first assassin moved to act by an obsession with a Hollywood icon since Sirhan Sirhan shot Robert Kennedy in an unsuccessful attempt to get Humphrey Bogart to sign his yearbook. What Went Right Practically nothing, as it took Reagan more than 23 years to die from his injuries. Still, Hinckley did give press secretary James Brady that adorable speech impediment, moving him from the dustbin of history in the process; who's going to remember Scott McClellan in 30 years? What Went Wrong More research would have revealed what by then was already common knowledge: Ronald Reagan was impervious to bullets. Especially the puny bullets from Hinckley's pathetic little .22 caliber revolver. I swear, it's like people don't even try anymore. Also, Oswald went ahead with his plan despite Jodie Foster's lukewarm appreciation of political assassinations. He would have been successful had he followed his first plan, incorporating Foster's single greatest passion: Gladiator fighting. 5. Gozer the Gozerian Gozer’s failed 1984 coup in New York City was short lived, as the would-be ruler was killed by four discredited eggheads with heavily modified backpacks just hours after she moved to seize power from the stout and excitable Mayor Lenny Clotch. What Went Right Despite her eventual failure, she did manage to recruit the help of New York residents Dana Barrett and Louis Tully, who were never tried for their support of the supernatural terrorist. And, while she never did gain control of the city, she did leave the citizens with a parting gift: sweet, sweet marshmallow rain. What Went Wrong The coup failed, and Gozer succeeded only in bestowing on the small group that opposed her a credibility that had previously eluded them.