#10 Watergate

Vol. I, No. VIII   April 15, 2008

© Copyright 2008 The Vince College Review. All Rights Reserved, whatever that means

Burglary? Bungled! President? Humbled! Deep Throat? Mumbled! The Watergate scandal changed the way the public thought about the president. Gone was the time that the president was America's monarch. Nixon seemed less like his regal forebears - Roosevelt, Lincoln, Fillmore - and more like a roommate you can't trust ever since he stole your Sega Genesis and lied about it, forcing you to lock your bedroom door when you go to work. This week, the Vince College Review takes a good, hard look at Watergate, offering previously uknown insights into the scandal, and putting it into historical context.

Of all the mysteries of Watergate, two remain stubbornly unsolved: What was said during the famous "18.5 minute gap" in the tape of a conversation Nixon made three days after the break-in? And, how did that lion learn to drive a car? We may never know the latter, but diligent researchers at the Vince College Factotorium have performed painstaking audio forensics which have enabled us, for the first time, to reveal the contents of the famous gap. Read More...

Thesesgate (1517) When Martin Luther nails his 95 Theses to the door of a church on October 31, 1517, heralding the start of the Reformation, the Catholic Church's elaborate Halloween festivities are very nearly ruined. The Count Chocula costume worn by Pope Leo X during Mass provided much needed levity. Wig-gate (1715) Louis XVI, commonly known as the "Dandy King," is beheaded by an angry mob of commoners after royal mincing loses favor among the French people, who turn to tattooed, Harley- riding bad boy Robespierre to lead them.	Marburygate (1803) William "Crybaby" Marbury cries foul when bully Thomas Jefferson won't honor Marbury's political appointment by outgoing president John Adams. John Marshall storms in, tells Marbury to take a hike (more crying by Marbury) and declares that he gets to decide what's up, securing abortion's place as a perennial election year issue. Marshall & the SCOTUS Boyz enjoy brief musical success following their hit rap single "Judizzle Revizzle," but the public found their follow-up efforts (Does anybody remember "McCullochfucka, Ya'll"?) too formulaic and contrived. Harpygate (1960s-Present) Who knows what happened? Something snaps and suddenly bitches just start going crazy. I mean, you would not believe it. It is something to behold.	Globalwargate (1914) A little political assassination here, a bit of unrestricted submarine warfare there – sprinkle liberally with treacherous telegrams and what do you get? Almost five years of what some historians describe as "significant unpleasantness." "I mean, it could be a real drag some days," says one. Watergate (1972) President Richard Nixon is implicated in a break-in at the DNC's headquarters at the Watergate hotel in Washington, D.C. Historians savor the rich irony of a high-profile scandal that already has its own "gate" suffix.

Woodward & Bernstein: The Lost Notebooks Vince College has purchased, for the astounding sum of $50, several of the most critical pages from the original notebooks of Washington Post reporters Woodward and Bernstein (they had no first names). They are the keys to the reportage that brought down the Nixon administration. They are irreplaceable historical documents and illuminate a unique - and hard - time in the long story of the American republic. The Review can now present them, for the first time, to the American people as part of our widely derided Pages from History series. Read More...

* Richard Nixon is buried in Grant's Tomb; Grant is buried under Disney's Nixon-themed water park ride * Nixon always trick-or-treated dressed as a mentally broken former president * "Monkee" Mickey Dolenz was on original Watergate committee