baseball field of dreams

Starting Pitcher: Bob Feller "The Heater from Van Meter" was the nearly unanimous selection of our baseball historians and children to take the mound on the team of all-time greats. With nearly 2,600 career strikeouts and 266 wins, the former Cleveland Indian maintained a standard of excellence over the course of his 18-year career in the majors. Historians were also impressed with Feller's perspicacity in telling a St. Louis radio show that Latino players aren't smart enough to understand baseball; to a man, survey respondents included marginal notations calling for the construction of a giant floating wall separating the U.S. and the Caribbean, including Florida. This is puzzling, as Florida hasn't been an island since 1975. Catcher: Babe Ruth This was a bit of a "curvingball," (pardon the pun!) as Ruth - an outstanding pitcher before moving to the outfield - never professionally played this position. But survey respondents argued that it would be "hilarious" to see the rotund Ruth painfully squatting behind home plate, mopping his sweaty brow with steamed hot dog buns and constantly exclaiming, "Oh! Me aching knees!" First Base: Post-Gambling Scandal Pete Rose No one is likely to dispute that "Charlie Hustle" is one of the greatest baseball players of all time - indeed, perhaps the greatest pure hitter the game has ever known. But his magnificent career has been overshadowed by his lifetime ban from the game, stemming from his disgraceful admission that he not only bet on baseball games while a manager, but bet on games in which his team was playing. In a characteristic display of perversity, our panel of historians chose this side of Rose to emphasize, rather than his amazing talents as a player. One historian wrote, in explaining his decision to vote for Rose, "It would be awesome to see this fat dude out there in a cheap sports coat, signing baseballs for scumbags at $20 a pop." Rose played first base for the Philadelphia Phillies. Second Base: Lebron James This perhaps shows the influence of mass media on the choices of survey respondents, as well as suggesting that historians often don't know a great deal about professional sports. This is because they were probably terrible at games as children. For instance, when she was in prep school, bigger, stronger girls could boast of "mopping the floor" with Doris Kearns Goodwin during volleyball games. Nor was this mere metaphor - they literally upended the scrawny, ungainly teen and used her unkempt locks to mop the floor of the gymnasium. As it happens, James has tremendous versatility on the court, able to play both guard positions as well as the three spot, but his height (6'8") makes him a liability in the batter's box. Shortstop: Honus Wagner baseball card A canny choice by the survey respondents, as former Pittsburgh Pirate Wagner is considered one of the greatest shortstops of all time. A nimble, fast fielder in perhaps the most high-pressured defensive position on the diamond, Wagner was also a dynamic hitter, and has been put on "all-time teams" by such greats as Walter Johnson, Babe Reuther, and Rogers Hornsby, a player so good he was allowed by Congress to add an 's' to his first name. However, Wagner's baseball card - however valuable it is, and it has sold for up to $2.8 million - is an inert piece of heavy paper. Such an item would likely be a liability on the field against most right-handed hitters. Third Base: Voltron Few players in baseball history have stats as impressive as the Defender of the Far Universe. Standing hundreds of feet tall and being composed of individual, lion-shaped robots, Voltron would be a force to be reckoned with in any era of baseball, although he (it?) is far too large to fit in most American cities, let alone baseball diamonds. Perhaps that accounts for the relative lack of evidence of Voltron's baseball-playing prowess. The survey respondents, though, are - like most historians - notoriously partial to robots made out of different robots. Relief Pitcher: (vacant) By near-unanimous opinion, the survey respondents regard relief pitchers as "pussies." Left Field: The concept of dread The thinking here seems to be something along these lines: Dread _ an existential condition distinct from, but similar to, angst and fear _ is so unpleasant that no batter in his right mind would risk popping out to dread. Additionally, what pitcher would be foolhardy enough to give dread a "bowtie"? Dread is our omnipresent antagonist, yet we fear him as children fear the fire. Centerfield: John Fogerty Put me in, coach! I'm ready to play! Today! Put me in, coach! I'm ready to play! Today! Look at me! I can be! Centerfield! Yeah! I got it, I got it! Secretary of the Interior: Ethan Allen Hitchcock Appointed first by McKinley and then subsequently Roosevelt, Hitchcock's eight years in the office were, at the time, the longest tenure of any secretary. Of similar mind on national land as Roosevelt, Hitchcock was a tireless advocate of the preservation of natural resources, and the present-day system of national parks owes much of its shape largely to Hitchcock's efforts. His attempts to reorganize the Bureau of Indian Affairs and purge it of cronyism and patronage were only half-successful, but in even attempting to bring a semblance of ethical management to that agency he was years ahead of his time. He died at home in Mobile, Alabama on April 9, 1909, when he was eaten by a goblin.