how to solve mysteries

How to Solve a Mystery A service for serious scholars from the Vince College Review Solving mysteries is hard enough without everyone involved being long-dead or having to go to the library. But true scholars who are grounded in old-fashioned research have little trouble getting down to the nitty-gritty - and the crack team at the Vince College Review is no exception. Led by Visiting Professor Lance Zarteski, a thrice-convicted male prostitute and subway vandal, the Review will take the reader - a colleague in the academic world, no doubt - step the step through the process of getting to the bottom of historical mysteries. Step 1: Eat a hearty breakfast. Everyone knows that sleuthing is hard work. Eating a robust meal of oats, grains and bacon grease will prepare even the most languid scholar for a hard day in the field. Step 2: Get a Mary Poppins-like umbrella. Having an umbrella is an essential tool for getting places without getting wet and any true scholar would not be caught dead without one. They apparently also enable the user to fly and coax children into following you places like they are under some kind of wonderful spell. Step 3: Affect British accent. A British is always taken more seriously, we think. Like Winston Churchill or the Ultimate Warrior. Step 4: Buy a pipe. They can be surprisingly expensive, so you may have to break the glass at your local tobacconist to get one. The umbrella can be handy is this respect also. Step 5: Find a quiet place in an old library. If there are kids nearby, shoo them away with your umbrella. Find the biggest book you can get your hands on and smoke your pipe as you page through it. If your mystery is not solved by at least noon, ask the librarian if they know the answer to your mystery. If they don't, call them a "choke ass." Step 6: Watch the movie "Good Will Hunting." If there is a mystery, the very smart guy who stars in this movie doubtless will provide you with the answer via his dialogue. Fact: math is boring and most janitors are geniuses who solve problems when everyone else is at home. Step 7: Ask a good friend what "Good Will Hunting" was about. This probably solves your mystery. Step 8: Call the White House and asked for the head of the Secret Service, who, not surprisingly, is in charge of all secrets. If they will not put you through, say you have detailed knowledge of the president's travel plans and threaten his life. They will patch you through to someone, or, better yet, send people to your sparsely furnished apartment. Step 9: If it is past 5:00 and your mystery is still not solved, have a gin. The mystery was not worth solving anyway.