mysteries solved

Mysteries in Histories! Another in an occasional series in which the staff of the Vince College Review examine unsolved mysteries in history. This week: we provide the answers to some of the most famous mysteries in history owing to our vast and largely legitimate grasp of all matters historical. Mystery: Who killed President Kennedy? Mystery Solved: Several arduous minutes of research which included calling people who we regard as smart - i.e. a guy who can name most of the elements on the periodic table - leaves us with no doubt: it was the Vatican. Livid that President Kennedy has not lived up to his pledge to build a tunnel from the White House to Rome, agents of Pope John XXIII were determined to off the first Catholic U.S. president. Said LBJ: "Wow, I can pretty much guarantee you that after that, I, a Baptist, will do what the Pope says." The tunnel is still there today, which is why the Pope is seen so often in fashionable New York eateries. Mystery: Did one of Czar Nicholas's children survive the wave of Bolshevik bullets that cut down the rest her family? Mystery Solved: Yes. Her name was Anastasia and her full-body steel girdle is what saved her. She moved to London, where she was a leading boxer for much of the 1920s under the name "Czarina Punchina" and later moved to the U.S. where she took the name "Eleanor Roosevelt." She invented blushing and died of lead poisoning in 1991. Mystery: Is there really something sinister about the Bermuda Triangle? Mystery Solved: Only in the sense that there is a supernatural power that renders technology and reason inert and unusable in that region, usually resulting in death or injury. Other than that - sorry conspiracy theorists! - everything is normal. Mystery: Is it true that despite popular dishes and family traditions, pancakes with chocolate chips are fucking gross? Mystery Solved: There's no mystery here: they have wreaked havoc on a whole generation of glucose-imbalanced Americans who rate public shirtlessness as among their greatest fears, along with glass-bottom boats and fish that scream when you eat them. Mystery: What happened to Amelia Earhart? Mystery Solved: She saw a very young Marlon Brando skinny-dipping with island women near Tahiti, landed her plane and took up with the then-dashing actor. After decades of gorging herself on breadfruits, she provided the bloated, inarticulate model for his character in "The Godfather," who was named Don Fats Domino. Mystery: Did Elvis really die, or is he still alive? Mystery Solved: The good news: Elvis's death in 1977 was a hoax. The bad news: his death in 1982 was not. Mystery: Who was Jack the Ripper? Mystery Solved: There was no such person. Those women killed themselves.