whatever happened to

Whatever Happened To...? Spartacus The history: Kirk Douglas was a slave in ancient Rome, but he yearned to be free of Tony Curtis' amorous advances. So he and fellow slaves started a revolt which shook the Empire to its very foundations. Then the Romas remembered they had all these legions of soldiers, and the revolt was promptly crushed. Kirk Douglas' body was never found, despite Roman insistence he was killed in battle. The theory: Kirk Douglas lives in Malibu, where he enjoys visits from his family and close friends. King Arthur The history: This famous British monarch, played by Richard Burton, lived in the 6th century, a time when there were still witches and dragons. He is famous for owning a table, and for not keeping an eye on his lady. After the Battle of Trafalgar Square, in which Britain defeated Manchester United, Arthur vanished, although expectant Britons with little understanding of how the passage of time works still await his return. The theory: Leading Arthurian scholar Dennis C. Thrumpthornce has convincingly detailed his belief that King Arthur was killed by a too-friendly dog. Also, he was not a king. Edward V of England The history: The son of Edward IV (despite having different last names), Edward V and his brother (confusingly not named Edward V.2) were young boys when their loving uncle, Richard of Gloucester sent them to live in a magical place called the Tower of London for their protection from evil conspirators who wished to deprive Edward V of his rightful place on the throne of England. Later, when heir to the throne Edward V could not be found, a grief-stricken Richard became Richard III, king of all England. The theory: Historian Thomas Gloucester has publicized the idea that Edward V, realizing he was not made for the hurlyburly of royal life, ceded the throne to his handsome, intelligent and loving uncle and then lived out the rest of his life traveling to villages and curing people of scrofula. Virginia Dare The history: The first child of English parents to be born in the Americas, Virginia Dare was still a toddler when all the Roanoke colonists disappeared in 1587 or 1588 (their Twitter posts are maddeningly inconsistent on this point). The mystery of the Roanoke colony persists to this day, with speculation fueled by the cryptic message carved on a tree at the abandoned colony: "Toy Story 2 was okay." The theory: Regardless of her fate, Virginia Dare sounds like a stripper name. Joshua Slocum The history: Predating the craze of rich nuts in hot air balloons by nearly 100 years, Slocum became the first man to sail single-handedly around the world. His peerless navigation skills apparently failed him at some point, because he disappeared while aboard his ship Spray in 1909. That will teach people to meddle in God's affairs. The theory: Vince College historian Frenten Sloop, chairman of the Department of Sea Monsters, theorizes that Slocum was eaten by a kraken. Ambrose Bierce The history: The famous American journalist, author and curmudgeon - he wrote "The Devil's Dictionary," "Occurence at Owl Creek Bridge," and several installments in the "Goosebumps" series - disappeared in the Mexican state of Chihuahua in 1913. He was either going to interview General Pancho Villa or open a Sonic drive-in; the record is unclear. The theory: Haha! They have a state named Chihuahua! What, is there like a dog in charge? Glenn Miller The history: Miller, a monstous exponent of the cacophonous, morality-destroying noiseporn known as "swing," was somehow given a security clearance and allowed into the U.S. military, despite his obvious preference for the Nazis. In a plane flying over the English Channel - perhaps returning from performing a personal concert for the Fuhrer - Miller vanished. The theory: Patriotic Americans shot him out of the sky, but they could not stop the onward march of "swing" music.