We here at the Vince College Review occasionally like
to take a look at the other side of arguments most people believe were
settled long ago. This week, noted Vince College historian and Connect-Four
champ Donald J. Rich, Sr. interviews a lesser-known and more inferior
historian, Robert Dallek about his unorthodox views on
the Vietnam War. He was interviewed over a speaker phone at Vince College's
Second Annual History Colloquium and Car Wash Fundraiser, which was unattended.
Rich: Welcome, Professor Dallek.
Dallek: Thanks for having me.
R: So, you spent your career and at few little-known
poo-put universities. Which ones? I don't remember their names and don't
know Internet.
D: UCLA, Columbia, Boston University. I wouldn't call
them–
R: Are those community colleges? What was living in Columbia
like? Hot, I bet.
D: No. They're distinguished institutions.
R: You didn't answer my question about living in llello-land.
Nosecandyville. What was it like? Pretty hot, right?
D: Columbia is in New York City.
R: Columbia is in South America, Doctor Dallek. The hotter
of the two Americas. Sloppy errors like that is probably why your career
has been confined to junior colleges.
D: [silence]
R: Nothing to add on that?
D: Did you want to talk about Vietnam?
R: Yes. I'm told that in your recent book, "Nixon
and Kissinger," which I didn't read because it is very long and I'm
not that interested in it, you indicate that USA lost Vietnam? True or
false?
D: Of course.
R: True or false, professor?
D: True. We lost that war.
R: That view probably places you on the outer fringes
of the academic world, does it not?
D: I don't think I understand the question.
R: That wasn't a question. That was more of a statement.
Your inability to communicate effectively is what has made your books
so tedious, I bet.
D: I'm a little confused.
R: You're a lot confused. America wins war, professor.
It's what we do. The Vietnam is no different. USA won. And you say it
didn't, and that shows that you think America is stupid. Know what I think?
I think that cuckoo view is stupid.
D: We lost that war in every respect. There is no one
who believes we did not.
R: I believe we did not.
D: Except for perhaps you.
R: Am I correct in thinking that the original war was
because Viet wanted to be part of Nam and that America wanted two separate
countries?
D: Sort of, although–
R: Well when USA left Nam in...
D: It was 1973.
R: Yes, when USA went home to USA in 1973, were there
not still two countries - Viet and Nam, and then because USA left, only
then did things fall apart and Viet took over Nam, making one big Vietnam?
D: First of all, it was North and South Vietnam. It was
all Vietnam. And we left because we were going to have to stay there forever
to prop the South up. The terms we accepted in Paris in 1973 were essentially
the same terms that were offered in 1968. We knew when we left that the
North had almost no intention of honoring the agreement. We needed to
extricate ourselves but delayed it because of political reasons.
R: You're a real space cadet on this.
D: I beg your pardon?
R: All this stuff. This nonsense. Do you think the fact
you spent so much time in a Spanish-speaking nation has anything to do
with your skewed version of history?
D: [silence]
R: Hello? Professor Dallek? Well. Well. It appears as
though my guest has hung up. Gone and slammed the phone down like an unprofessional.
He has flown the coup because he couldn't take the heat of my concentrated
historical fire. It is a shame no one is here to witness my tremendous
victory. Not unlike USA's victory in the Vietnam.
© The Vince College Review
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