Issue 13_Graduation

Vol. I, No. XIII May 13, 2008

© 2008 Vince College Review

Exciting Vince College Websclusive! Stalin, Grads In 1951, students at Manchester High School in Manchester, Conn. invited Soviet dictator Josef Stalin to be the commencement speaker at their class graduation. To the surprise of the world, the reclusive despot agreed, and made his only U.S. visit during the week of June 18 of that year. Pronouncing himself "delighted" by such American novelties as cheeseburgers and trial by jury, Stalin won over the skeptical audience with his heartfelt remarks. The speech was so popular that it is given every year at MHS's graduation, with a different prominent local celebrity performing the role of Stalin. In 2008, the role will be played by handsome actor Tobey Maguire. The Vince College Review is happy to present this transcript of Stalin's famous speech. Read More... * No one who goes to Vince College wears glasses after their first semester * Spring Fling features audio tape of a White Snake concert from 1988 literally BLARING * 1 in 10 students does not have their car stolen

Noam Chomsky Intellectual (1995) (From a list of the secrets to his success): "Number three. I keep a high school girl in my basement as a pet. It's not that hard. Once I got her into the van, I just hit her in the head with a metal bong. The trick is to get her into the van. That's number four: Find a way to lure people into your van. All kinds of people, not just girls. Kids, old people, the mailman. You never know what'll come up. That's why you need a plan." Chris Tucker Actor (1999) "Untold thousands have died as a direct result of the Reagan administration's heavy handed intervention in Latin America. The entire region is a cesspool of instability and violence. The ongoing violence is the only constant most of those nations have." Adam Belton Maintenance Worker (1992) "Um, I don't know what I'm supposed to say or anything – like advice or what? Just clean up after yourselves and you'll be alright. Am I giving out those – what's it called – diplomas?" (Belton, a janitor at the college, was invited to speak at the last moment when the event coordinator confessed that Jordan Knight of the New Kids on the Block had never agreed to attend, despite his having been announced as the commencement speaker. "I didn't even have his address," she admitted. "I just dropped it in the mail and hoped for the best.") Sgt. Eric Hanover United States Marine Corps (1987) "I just learned from your dean that I am the first commencement speaker at the college not to be wearing a prison jumpsuit in nearly a decade. That's a perfect segue to the key message of my speech: 'Reach for the stars.' Denise, can you press 'play' on the boom box?" Darren Nunez Assistant manager of local Arby's (2006) "Oh, the blood! It's everywhere! Hurry! Help us! They came out of nowhere! Help us! Help [inaudible]…"

		It's So Hard To Say Goodbye (to unwanted Pets) The Vince College Review takes the time to recognize some of the outstanding members of the Vince College Class of 2008
		Wayne Fern-Resnick (major: Hulk Hogan, minor: chemical engineering) Wayne "The Drain" Fern-Resnick first came to Vince College following his escape from a minimum security prison, where he had spent six months for committing the crime of dilophatry – shouting swears at a deaf person when they weren't looking. His arrival on campus in the fall of 1991 went largely unnoticed, since, being a fugitive, he snuck into an office late in the evening and hid behind a couch. Fortunately for Wayne, the occupant of the office had died some weeks earlier while hiding behind the same couch. Wayne was the first to find him. Though unnerved by the corpse, Wayne later admitted "there was no where else to hide." Taking advantage of an agreement V.C. has with the government of Burma, the office was classified as an official embassy and the federal marshals sent to find Wayne were denied entry. Having enrolled in classes not long after arriving, Wayne has used the space to sleep, eat, assault semi-conscious women and produce inhalable intoxicants made from household cleaners. Now finishing up his 34th semester at Vince College, after graduation Wayne expects to move in with his alcoholic stepmother and steal bicycles from neighborhood children. Fawn Shira (major: nails, minor: dental medicine) Fawn is the first and only student in Vince College's Dental Medicine program, which she created and tailored to her needs as an independent study. Her work is centered around using super glue to attach small metal symbols to her fellow students' teeth as a fashion statement, mainly gems and tiny replica hood-ornaments. "Most people want Mercedes or Lexus or some shit," Fawn told V.C.'s alumni magazine, The High Times, "But all I gots is Toyota." Her senior thesis centered around gluing different coins to the front eight teeth of her 12-year-old cousin, Nicole.		Though now worth 60 cents more than she was before the procedure, Nicole has chronic diarrhea and a total loss of equilibrium thanks to ingesting the toxic glue on a daily basis. For her work, Dawn earned an A-. Nicole, now 13, was recently named the dean of students at Vince College. After graduation, Fawn plans to hang around an unlicensed tattoo parlor in Camden, New Jersey. Devon Briggs (major: karate, minor: lurking). Devon is a transfer student from Predator College in San Jose, California which until recently was an institution devoted to the 1984 movie of the same name. Devon is a stand-out student at V.C. thanks to his refusal to speak and pronounced rambunctiousness. Many a student and faculty member has been surprised in a hallway by Devon, whose untrained, homemade karate skills can still pack quite a wallop, despite his grotesque disabilities. The hairless, eye-patch-wearing Devon has maintained a 3.4 GPA throughout his V.C. career as well as terrorizing the glee club. After graduation, Devon has accepted a position with the U.S. Dept. of Homeland Security where he will be responsible for defending Oregon. Kelly Kelley (major: family studies, minor: uncompleted handjobs). Kelly has eleven children by five different Vince College faculty members, all eleven of whom are wards of the state. Home to numerous diseases, including a heretofore unknown affliction which landed her in the pages of the journal Nature, Kelly was the chair of the Vince College chapter of Students for Romney this past winter. She received her final eight credits needed to graduate by successfully completing a job-shadow internship with a drug addict skilled in insurance fraud. Kelly says she plans to take the $3,200 she recently won in a settlement from a domestic violence shelter she defrauded and spend it on hair extensions.
Congratulations and best of luck to these and all the proud graduates of Vince College!

Every year, America's high school hopefuls and college cynics don colorful robes and square hats to get their "sheepskin" from a man who thinks some education makes him better than you. Where do these funny traditions come from? Vince College historian T. Hennessy Faber provides some insight. Read More...