Issue 14_TV

Vol. I, No. XIV May 20, 2008

© 2008 Vince College Review

Dallas: J.R. is a robot Charles in Charge: The kids are replaced by monstrous crab that teaches children the true meaning of Christmas. Transformers: Grimlock has diabetes. Newhart: Set in future, renamed "Waterworld." Murder She Wrote: More Angela Lansbury nude scenes. Baywatch: 20 more seasons. Leave it to Beaver: Running theme of marital rape. Wonder Woman: I play Wonder Woman. 60 Minutes: Morley Shafer shoots lasers out of his eyes. Knight Rider: Car can't talk, is just a regular car.

Best Spin-Off "Space Father Knows Best" (NBC) Best Game Show "Fight the Elderly" (FOX) Best TV News Program "Boners Tonight" (MSNBC) Best Children's Show "Super Terrific Jihad Party Show" (Noggin) Best Sitcom "Two Guys, a Girl and Lawrence Eagleburger" (ABC) Best Drama "Walker, Texas Nanny" (CBS) Best Reality Show "Who Wants to Finger-bang My Sister?" (Bravo) Best Show Produced by a Transient Heroin Addict "The Government is Eating My Soul! Spaceship! Spaceship! Spaceship!" (Brooklyn Public Access) Best Courtroom Drama "Matlock" (NBC) Best Television Program of All Time "Polaner All-Fruit Commercial" (Various)

"Mikey likes it!" "Ghostbusters." "The Internet." – all tremendous things that happened on our TV screens – and in the free world. For this special edition on the history of television, the Vince College Review presents the Greatest Moments in Television History. October 7, 1954 The Howdy Doody Show. That lovable wooden scamp challenges America's tolerance and the level of understanding held by children when he becomes television's first openly gay character. Days later, he is assaulted by belligerent tots who don't accept his sexuality. As they stomp the feeble puppet, the coon-skin-cap-wearing kids chant "America's not ready!" December 8, 1955 In a now "lost" episode called "Turns Out, it Does Explode," that famous 1950s comedy duo Jackie Gleason and Art Carney playing Ralph Cramden and Ed Norton - two working-class Brooklynites - learn that a neighbor of theirs may have ogled Alice Cramden in a stairwell. Gleason and Carney jump into action and beat the man to death with an iron pipe. They escape prosecution because the man was black. In the end, the joke was on them -- they had the wrong guy and that wacky Mr. Carlyle gets away with his wandering eye again! April 30, 1969 In what many consider a step backward for the Civil Rights movement, Hal Holebooke's Aryan Hour premiers on CBS. The program features the star of Broadway, film and TV dressed as Mark Twain spinning yarns about the dangers of losing the purity of the white race to "savages." June 9, 1966 In yet another zany Tonight Show-stunt-gone-wrong for the record books, in the midst of a sketch about the French Revolution, host Johnny Carson accidentally decapitates singer Burl Ives with a guillotine. Johnny, Ed and the whole audience roar with laughter as band leader Doc Severenson chases Ives's bloodied head across the studio floor. "Call me Robespierre!" quips America's favorite late night host, "We'll be back right after this message from Alpo dog food." September 18, 1995 With The Golden Girls having gone off the air the previous year, NBC figures a spin-off is in order with a new program featuring what life is like for the one-time Golden Girls 18 years into the future. The more serious tone of Decay, which chronicles the slow dissent into dementia, financial insolvency and incontinence as the ladies wither away in nursing homes, proves a non-starter for viewers. July 1, 2005 Bang, You're Dead on A&E is a reality-based program that follows young Mafiosi in their effort to murder a federal prosecutor. Once successful, the crew and producers are charged as accessories and sentenced to life in prison. October 2, 1974 Former Vice President Spiro Agnew had resigned in disgrace a year earlier and was still looking for work in late 1974. That all ended with the premiere of the hit game show Let Spiro Dress You, in which Agnew made apparel choices for young women, which were then voted on by a panel of judges. If they liked the former VP's fashion decisions, he was awarded with a chocolate Sundae, which he ate ravenously on the air. If they disapproved, Agnew had to dance until he was breathless. September 14, 2007 Faced with declining ratings, the FOX television network airs the first (and last) episode of Aggressor Justice! in which host Pat O'Brien hunts down victims of child abuse who cannot be named in court documents and reveals their identity to the world.

Lowest Rated TV Shows of All-Time
"Just Mindy" (ABC, 1983) The departure of "Mork," who most agree was the comedic soul of the show, leaves critics calling this spinoff "pointless" and "awful." "DESK COPS" (FOX, 1989) Following the success of "COPS" – which follows police officers on the street - the FOX network devotes an entire program to chronicling the paperwork involved in law enforcement. "Harmon Killebrew's Chili Cook-Off" (CBS, 1971) The aging Dodger does not like spices! "Rod Serling: Swim-Suit Model" (NBC, 1968) His career now struggling, Serling puts his slim figure – withered by cancer – to good use.		"Drunks" (NBC, 1996) Believing that the success of "Cheers" could translate to other bars, NBC embarks on a disastrous venture featuring hidden cameras trained on fat, alcoholic bar patrons who often said very little. "He's Got It!" (ABC, 1984) In what physicians agree was the most revolting program to come out of the Reagan-era, this game show asked male contestants to sleep with one of three "mystery men," one of whom had AIDS. Afterwards, the contestant was told if the man he chose had the deadly virus. Dean Martin hosted. "Henry Kissinger's Komedy Klatch" (NBC, 1977) This program featured the dour one-time statesman rambling about the intricacies of Vietnam policy and featured guests such as William Westmoreland, Cyrus Vance and Paul Lynde.		"A Wing and a Prayer" (ABC, 2001) The U.S. Air Force asks untrained teens to fly dangerous experimental aircraft as part of a battery of tests. If one is killed in a mishap, their siblings receive an all-expenses paid trip to Epcot Center. "World Bunting Derby" (ESPN, 1991) The major league's best bunters square off during this hour-long program. "Big Trouble in Little Bucharest" (CBS, 1987) In the waning years of Romania's decades-long rule by the brutal dictator Nicolae Ceausescu, this wacky sitcom featured characters who were innocent Romanians starving to death in government prisons and trying to plot their escape. Each week, one character was raped by the secret police.