professor history revolution

Ask Doctor Professor History: Revolution Dear Dr. Historian, What are some of the key differences between the American Revolution and the French Revolution? Kyle Flagston Mashpee, Mass. Mr. Stonflag, Oh, your name isn't Kyle Stonflag? I apologize, you see, I was just imitating your foolish inability to correctly render my title (Dr. Professor History). So, Mr. Stonflag, turning to your question, we can outline three crucial differences between the two revolutions you cite. First, there was a difference of intent: the Americans sought only to keep their beloved stamps free of taxes, while the French sought to make all of Europe wear powdered wigs and hold wine glasses while extending a pinkie finger aloft. Second, the American Revolution was fought largely by the French and British while, oddly, the French Revolution was decided in a soccer match between Spain and the Czech Republic. Finally, the third difference is while Copernicus was correct in saying the earth revolves around the sun, he was mistaken in positing the sun as the center of the universe. Dear Doc Prof Hist, The Russian Revolution is said to have been hijacked by Stalin, who turned against his fellow Bolsheviks in establishing a brutal dictatorship. Is this accurate? Brittany Felder, age 8 Washington, Conn. Ms. Felder, I suppose many people would suggest that I should refrain from pointing out your piggishness in failing to use my proper title (Dr. Professor History), because of your young age. To that I say: fiddlesticks, and for two reasons. First, I do not believe you are a child of eight. I have met children, and by and large they are self-obsessed little nitwits who prattle about demanding plastic toys from their parents. They certainly do not know or care about the great dramas of Russian history. I suspect you have misidentified yourself as a bit of mischief. Two: In the off chance that you are a child, I will not patronize or condescend to you. I will afford you the respect I give your elders, which is to say I expect that if you are intelligent enough to seek my advice you should be intelligent enough to use my proper title. Reflect on this lesson, Ms. Felder, before venturing forth in public again. Dear History, In the 17th century, a group of army officers and parliamentarians overthrew the English monarchy and executed their king. I've always wondered why this isn't known as the English Revolution. What do you say? Brence Mitchell Brooklyn, NY Mr. Mitchell, Oh, for the love of. . . "Dear History"? Really? You think you're addressing an impersonal concept rather than a 56-year-old man who melts cheese over toast and swears at the radio? Well, I suppose I could not have expected anything else, considering your question indicates your low mental status. I have no idea what kind of science fiction with which you have been passing the hours in between parole hearings, Mr. Mitchell, but from where I sit (a room called Reality), I can see the proud and glorious British monarchy still very much intact and just as popular as ever. The idea that loyal subjects of the Crown would rise up like so many Bostonians and lay hands on their beloved monarch simply defies belief. Best of luck with your absurd fan fiction, however. Perhaps you can sell it to an especially degenerate pornographic circular. Dear Wendell, Does the Industrial Revolution count as a revolution? If so, where are the cool new flags? Paul Hermler Vince College Paul, Ah, at last - a decent question! Naturally it comes from a chum and fellow Vince College facultinarian, but it is a rich inquiry nonetheless. The answer, Paul, as shocking as it may seem, is that the so-called Industrial Revolution was no revolution at all - despite the hordes of complacent so-called historians who insist otherwise. As your trenchant critique demonstrates, this event lacks one of the absolute necessities for a revolution (flags), but my research has demonstrated that it also did not feature men with pointy beards publishing feverish manifestoes. There also has never been a single documented instance of a brave but flawed aristocrat mounting a gallows before a jeering mob and saying, "Mon dieu - for my country's sake, I am undone" during the entire course of this "revolution." And what do the simpering partisans of this "revolution" offer in place of these key criteria?: steam and machine parts. Another sad example of the history establishment showing why it has become so irrelevant.   Ask Professor Historian Man Doctor History History Yes appears in the Vince College Review on a semi-regular basis.